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this is some email i sent to friends in the wake of dan's death. i've removed some of the headers to get their email addresses out, and in one case removed some irrelevant passages.
From: "jeffrey covey" <jeff.covey@pobox.com>
Date sent: Wed, 12 Jun 1996 15:41:40 -0500
Subject: dan just died
dan started getting pains in his arms last week, and went to see the doctor, who put him on muscle relaxants. the pain got so bad he stayed home from work all week.
i was downstairs cleaning the kitchen floor a few hours ago when he came to the top of the stairs to tell me he was having chest pains and had just called 911. i rode down in the ambulance, his heart stopped beating on the way and they never revived him.
i'm making the necessary phone calls and just trying to cope.
i just called dan's answering machine message so i could hear his voice.
god this sucks.
i miss him so damn much.
i never wrote to tell you all that i got that guitar teaching job i interviewed for. i did it two weeks ago, obviously called in last week to say i wouldn't be there, was back tonight. it's not an adventure, just a job. i sit in the storage room in the back and try to make myself heard over the piano in the next room. but with it and a couple of other teaching gigs i have lined up in the wings, i can pay the bills.
during the last lesson tonight, before i could stop myself, i started thinking about what the rest of the evening would be like, that i would go home and dan would be waiting there. he'd ask me how it went, and we'd sit and talk about it.
i was talking with some friends who pointed out that losing someone this close is even worse than losing a parent. this is the person you're used to getting to see and talk to every day, the one who's always there when you go to sleep, and there when you wake up...
> I'm really sad about the emptiness that you feel about Dan not being there to share things with.
we had an us-against-the-world feeling that we could get through just about anything together. no matter what was going on around us, we were always there for each other. it's so hard to know that he's not there for me anymore. i don't blame him; he would have stayed with me if he could have.
> But at least I'm not all by myself and I have to admit on that point and because your and Dan's relationship was so close it is difficult.
i thought dan and i would have at least 15-20 years together, and i would get to share so many things in my life with him. now i've got to do them alone. (or with someone else, which is a thought that really bothers me -- i'm sure i'll meet someone else somewhere along the way (i don't like living alone), but there's no replacement for dan. we were only together for 2 years and 8 months, but we loved one another so deeply. i had never expected to be in such a loving relationship so early in my life, and none of the relationships dan had had over the years had ever been so close. will someone else i meet understand that a large part of my heart will always be with dan? is that fair to the person i meet?)
i just want to see him and talk to him again. the hardest thing in all of this was seeing him stretched out on the table in the emergency room, but the second hardest after that was when i was at the funeral home and i asked my brother-in-law what time it was. it was 8:40, and i realized i only had 20 minutes until i would never see dan again.
i can't believe his heart stopped beating and that's it. i'd probably go crazy if i let myself believe that. he's gone somewhere but i don't know where and i don't know how to get there to be with him.
i've never had suicidal thoughts in my life, but the other night i just wanted to be with him again so badly that i couldn't keep the thought of going and joining him out of my mind.
...and sat by dan's grave today. couldn't convince him to open it up and let me crawl in.
i spent over an hour out at the cemetery yesterday. i sat beside dan's grave for awhile, then walked around and looked at things people had put on other graves:
why the hell do people have to die?
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