I’ve been virtually absent again the last couple of months.  I’m trying to catch up now and to start finding time for what I had planned to do, after a period of reacting to events.  I’ll use this post as a way to catch up my correspondence.  I’m sorry if I’m late replying to anything you sent me.

After Glenn’s death last Summer, I started looking for places to live in Point Marion, Pennsylvania, where my parents are in assisted living.  My sister has been looking after them almost single-handedly for the last couple of years, and I wanted to move closer to lend a hand.  I was going to take my time settling my and Glenn’s affairs in Baltimore, and gradually make the move.

I looked at a number of places in September, none of which worked out.  My plans had to be abandoned after October 8th, when my father suffered a heart attack and had a stent placed in one of his arteries.  He was told that after his discharge, he would need to go to cardiac rehabilitation three times a week for three months, so I had to find housing right away so I could be there to drive him.  I’d hoped to be within walking distance of my parents’ home, but had to take a year’s lease on an apartment in Morgantown, West Virginia, about five miles away.

I was able to get back to Baltimore for a retreat the last weekend of the month, then my sister called me Monday morning to say my mother was in the hospital this time.  During the course of her stay, she developed congestive heart failure from IV fluids, and was in for 11 days. She came home on a Friday, and when I went to pick up Dad for rehab the following Monday, he said his chest hurt. He had another heart attack, and had two more stents placed.  He’ll see his cardiologist this week, then hopefully will be cleared to start rehab again.

During the course of all this, we also had hospitalizations of my niece and my nephew, knee injuries to my sister and brother-in-law, three hospitalizations in my brother-in-law’s family, and one in my sister-in-law’s.  I lost track of how many trips I made back-and-forth from Baltimore.  In brighter-but-also-time-consuming news, I started working at freshmeat (now Freecode) part time again in September, and have had to keep a more regular work schedule than my freelance jobs require.

This is the first week I’ve started to catch my breath, and the first time I’ve brought enough furnishings back that the apartment feels like a home.

I may have to give up our house in Baltimore. I had hoped I’d be able to keep it for a year or two and move on when I felt ready, but all these crises have set a different pace.  When I saw I’d have to leave quickly, at least for the Winter, I hoped to rent it furnished as it is so that I could come back to it someday and it would still remind me of Glenn, but everyone I’ve talked with says that people who rent houses in our area expect them to be completely empty so they can move their own things in.  Using a housesitter like we did in 2010 wouldn’t help pay my West Virginia rent, and would just leave me worrying about what’s happening back there.

It’s looking as though, whatever I do, everything of Glenn’s will have to go, and I may just sell the house if all I’d have is an empty shell to come back to, with Glenn’s fingerprints scrubbed clean. If it won’t have any strong ties to Glenn, it’s starting to feel like one more thing to worry about.  I can’t afford (in time, money, or worry) to maintain the apartment in West Virginia and the house in Maryland, so I need to be at the one and somehow settle the other.  I’ve brought enough bits and pieces of home to West Virginia that it will hopefully feel comfortable and familiar, and I’m making arrangements with Glenn’s friends to walk through the house and pick things they’d like to have as mementos of him.  At least I’ll feel better knowing that if the house had to be left so suddenly, his things weren’t just thrown away, but moved to where they’ll prompt smiles and memories for people who loved him.

The other house news is that, after a year and a half on the market, my parents’ home went to closing last Wednesday.  We might have hoped for better timing so I didn’t have to tell them about it over Thanksgiving dinner, but can be glad it’s finally off our minds and being enjoyed by a family once again.

I hope I’ll have time now for some of the things I promised to do.  In the meanwhile, I’ll spend the holiday giving thanks that the phone hasn’t rung and I haven’t seen any ambulances rolling down the Point Marion road.  I hope all’s quiet and peaceful with you.

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/3154425/tmp/bwi_pathfinder.pdf

Glenn’s friend Ruth Syme brought 15 photos of him to his memorial service, and was kind enough to let me borrow and scan them.  I’m just getting around to adding them to his photos:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jeffcovey/sets/72157622611810405/detail/

Thanks so much to Ruth.  It’s wonderful to see him again.

Glenn did very well after his 2008/2009 hospitalizations, coming home that March and staying home and in excellent health for two years.  His dementia slowly deepened, but he managed to stay clear of other illnesses.  Last month, he started to feel under the weather.  He stayed in bed all day the 18th.  I sat him up for meals, but after he ate, he was so tired that he just wanted to lie down again and sleep.

The next morning, I sat him up, and he started coughing up a lot of phlegm.  I didn’t want to lay him down again in that state, so I took him out to the kitchen, and he ate a little breakfast.  I was watching him and deciding between hospital now and doctor-when-he-opens-tomorrow, when Glenn made the decision for me.  He said he was sleepy and wanted to lie down, so I took him to his chair in the living room.  He wouldn’t help push himself up like he normally would, then his arms went limp and he stopped responding to me.

The ambulance took him to the emergency room, where he was already on a ventilator when I got in to see him.  He was moved up to the Intensive Care Unit after a few hours.  It took several days to grow cultures and determine he had three different infections, in his urinary tract, lungs, and bloodstream.  By the 22nd, he was opening his eyes and following commands.  They tried to wean him off the ventilator the next day, but he only lasted an hour, with great difficulty, before they had to put him back on it.  He succeeded in coming off it the following day, and was finally able to say a word or two to the friends who came to visit.

By the 26th, he was scheduled to move to a regular room, but an irregular heart rhythm kept him in place.  By the 29th, two of the infections were gone, and the lungs were the only remaining problem.  The next day brought great trouble with breathing and a return to the ventilator.  He didn’t come off it again until the 6th of July, and moved to a regular room on the 9th.  On the 12th, a social worker asked for our rehab center preferences, and started making calls to prepare his placement.  On the 15th, he couldn’t breathe again, and was rushed back to the ICU and put back on the ventilator.

The next day, one of the lung doctors told me that if we were going to continue aggressive treatment, Glenn needed to have a tracheostomy, a hole cut in his throat with a tube inserted.  He wasn’t strong enough to cough up the infection, and they couldn’t keep him on the ventilator indefinitely.  A tracheostomy tube was the only way they could continue suctioning the fluids out.  He said it was a simple procedure and it would heal quickly once it was removed, but Glenn would have little or no ability to talk or eat while it was in, and he’d probably have it in (and remain in the hospital) for many more weeks while the infection healed.  Even then, the doctor thought it likely Glenn would continue developing new infections, over and over again.

I discussed the situation with Glenn’s sister and friends, and we couldn’t see any good outcome for him.  He had to be miserable as he was.  I’d only been there during the days, and it was bad enough.  Though he slept much of the time, I can only imagine how he’d started to feel during his lucid moments, barely moving for a month and not even eating or drinking (he’d failed all his swallowing tests, and was being tube fed).  With his dementia, he wouldn’t be able to understand what was happening and why he was going through it, what we hoped for him at the end.  He was growing weaker all the time, and could no longer move his left side.  Rehab was going to be a very long haul.  His mind was much different than it had been in 2009, and he no longer went along with what people asked him to do.  I could be there every day to make sure he did the exercises, but it still seemed likely that the best destination we could hope for after rehab was a nursing home, not his own home, and a life he would never want.

There was also the possibility of an underlying cancer.  A CAT scan had shown masses on several of his organs.  A later comparison to scans from 2008 showed they’d been there at that time and hadn’t changed much, and so probably weren’t a concern, but couldn’t be ruled out.  Even without such a dramatic development down the road, there was always the likelihood that he’d pick up something else after so much time in the hospital and rehab, and he did in rehab in 2009, leading to a second hospitalization.

He’d been through an awful lot, was terribly worn out, and if we were to continue, we’d be sending him down a long road of struggle and suffering with only a small hope of a happy life for him at the end of it.  We all decided it was time to stop.

On the 17th, I gave the doctor permission to withdraw care.  I called several of Glenn’s friends to explain what was happening and invite them to come see him.  Wonderfully, when the nurses withdrew the ventilator tube and other treatments, Glenn woke up and was more alert than he’d been all month.  He was able to enjoy his visits and talk with his friends.

The nurses placed him on a morphine drip so he wouldn’t feel any pain or air hunger, and moved him to a comfort care floor.  I was able to stay next to him for the next 38 hours until his death.  He never showed any signs of distress, he just became sleepier and sleepier.  I held his hand all night so he’d wake me if he got into trouble, but he never moved or squeezed.

I woke around 4:00 on the 19th, and he was still breathing lightly.  When I woke again at 5:30, he wasn’t moving, and I called the nurse, who called a doctor to pronounce death.

He went peacefully and at perfect ease, all we could ask for.  Thanks so much to everyone who’s offered such kind support, and to everyone at Baltimore Washington Medical Center, especially the ICU staff, who were all unfailingly professional, capable, and compassionate.

A memorial service is being planned.  In a few weeks, I’ll put something together to post here, as well.

My new piano teacher wants me to get something to play at home that’s more piano-like than the electronic keyboard I have, which has an organ-like action and practically no dynamic contrast. I usually practice in the morning or at night, while Glenn’s asleep, so I’m thinking of two options:

1. An acoustic upright piano at the opposite end of the house with a practice pedal to dampen the sound.
2. An electronic piano which plays as much like the genuine article as possible.

Both have their up- and downsides. A real piano with the damper pedal on may still make too much racket, and it defeats the purpose somewhat to be trying to develop touch and dynamics while intentionally muting the instrument. An electric piano will never completely match the real playing experience, but can be played through headphones when Glenn’s in bed (or watching TV).

I’m checking Craigslist (wow, are there a lot of pianos there) and getting some ideas of what I want to do. My teacher mentioned a Korg electric which is quite good, I’ve asked her for the model number so I can check it out.

Advice and suggestions welcome!

I took a piano lesson this morning. According to the dates on the journal I kept, my last lesson was on 5/3/2007, almost exactly four years ago. It’s been a busy time since then, but I’m home and on a more regular routine now, and plan to stick with it.

Some of Glenn’s friends were concerned recently that I wasn’t finding any time and activities for myself, and encouraged me to pursue what help the county could provide. A social worker’s coming in a couple of weeks for an evaluation, and one of the results should be enrolling Glenn in a program he can attend Tuesday and/or Thursday mornings, which should allow me to get away for lessons regularly.

I looked up a pianist I remembered from chamber music concerts in the area, and with the school year winding down, she was ready to take on new students. I’ve enjoyed both her playing and her energetic, upbeat personality, and hope we’ll be a good fit.

I worked up a bit of the material I’d learned back in ‘07 to play for her, and she thought I could go ahead and start the first Invention by Bach, the music I brought along in the “hope to play sometime” category. I think it should be a great tool to get the left hand working, to get more comfortable with reading the bass clef (a skill lacking from my guitar background), and, most interestingly, to start to know what the brain feels like when it’s running a melody in each hand simultaneously.

So, as I approach 40 at Summer’s end, I’m excited and looking forward to learning some of what Bach wrote for his kids to play when they were 4.

It feels good to be playing something again. Once I get the fingers moving and hit a first plateau of proficiency, I need to find someone on my own level to play some four-hand music with me. A combination of lessons to prepare for and friends to enjoy making music with should keep me on the wagon. Wish me luck!

A few months ago, I stumbled on Amazon’s “Subscribe & Save” program, and have been trying it as a BJ’s replacement. It allows you to select certain items to buy on an ongoing basis (every 1, 2, 3, or 6 months), and in exchange for subscribing, they give you free shipping and 15% off their regular price. I pay with an Amazon Visa card which gives 3% cash back on Amazon purchases, so my discount’s actually closer to 18%. They send timely reminders when something’s about to ship, and a subscription management page lets you cancel subscriptions, change the quantities and frequencies of shipments, order an extra shipment if you start to run low on something, and skip a shipment if you don’t need it this time.

As my memberships with BJ’s and Sam’s Club (purchased while living in West Virginia’s BJ’s-free zone) neared their ends, I bought one last epic carload from each, then let the accounts lapse. As we started to run out of things, I estimated how much of them we use and created Amazon subscriptions.

It’s been a good-enough replacement that I don’t plan to get a warehouse membership again. About 90% of what we bought at BJ’s is on Amazon at comparable prices, including all the essentials. Subscription management works fine, and packages active without a hitch. Carrying a box or two across the threshold is much easier on my back than loading and unloading a month of supplies from the car, and our shopping trips have been reduced to a drive to ALDI for perishables every 1.5-2 weeks (cartons of rice/soy milk travel just fine from Amazon) and the occasional bike ride to Dollar General. We haven’t been to a traditional grocery store this year, and haven’t had to buy a warehouse membership.

I’d say it’s worth a look for anyone. Just double-check prices against the warehouse stores’ websites. Most things we bought at BJ’s are the same price or even a little cheaper at Amazon with the subscription discount, while others are inexplicably twice as much for the same brand and package. Others are only available in boutique brands at boutique prices. Hopefully, this will correct over time as more variety becomes available and prices normalize. It’s occurred to me that this might be a tool in the kit of the carfree lifestyle I used to live before Glenn got sick. It could be a sort of return to the days of calling in an order to the store and having it delivered as the grocer’s truck makes its rounds. It certainly brings bulk buying and stocking-the-cellar to people who would have a near-impossible time doing it by bicycle. Walkable communities and delivery by local merchants might be preferable, but this is something the car-dependent could use now to aide a carfree or carlight life.

I do wonder about the environmental consequences. I’d love to see a study of which causes the least harm: goods going to storage at many, many supermarkets until people walk there to get them (or, let’s face it, make a dozen car trips to get a dozen small items), goods going to storage at warehouse stores until people drive there to get large quantities at one time, or goods going to Amazon storage facilities, then out to homes as part of a UPS driver’s regular rounds. One area in which this scheme clearly fails is excessive packaging. We’re drowning in Amazon boxes. I reuse them for shipping as much as I can, but am going to have to start offering them on Freecycle soon.

Take a look, I hope it works out as well for you. If you have kids, also check out Amazon Mom for an extra 15% off some items and a trial of free Prime (two-day) shipping on many Amazon items (subscription or not).

As my family did with our father’s last year, my cousin Patty has had my Uncle Ken’s 8mm home movies digitized. He got an even earlier start and took twice as much footage, almost two hours going back to 1958:

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?p=363258CDC87905EA

There’s even a few seconds of a three-year-old ring bearer, who (I’m told) broke into tears when he had to walk up the aisle with everyone looking at him, and had to be escorted by the bride and her father.

As before, please share any comments and ideas you have about what we’re looking at, who’s who, when they might have been taken, etc. I’ve put what we know about them so far in the description under each.

Many thanks to Patty for making these available. In addition to a lot of charming footage of Uncle Ken, Aunt Lena, and the kids, there are plenty more scenes of my generation at family gatherings, and it’s wonderful to have these memories available to us all.